Weighty issues.

I used to be convinced that I had a weight problem. I spent many years despairing at the fact that despite a punishing exercise regimen, I was constantly several kilos heavier than I should be. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was always going to be carrying a bit too much weight, and would always be the chubby one in photos.

That all changed when I moved to Bangkok. For some reason, even though I probably eat more here than I have ever eaten before, I shed weight almost from the day I arrived and have managed to keep it off since then without any great effort.

I put it down to the liberal use of chilli, herbs and vinegar in Thai cooking: these things must contain some sort of weight-regulating minerals which effectively bring any individual’s weight into a desirable range.

Every now and then, though, as a result of overindulgence, the weight still creeps up. I like to keep myself at 78 kilos or less; but last Saturday morning, after eating too many ribs and drinking too many Heinekens at The Great American Rib Company in Sukhumvit Soi 36 the previous evening, not to mention a preceding full week of overconsumption, I was shocked to see that the scales settled at no less than 82 kilos.

I resolved to do something about it after the weekend and aimed to be back below 80 one week hence.

In the meantime, to try and shake off the effects of the night’s activities, I went to the gym. Still feeling a little fragile and not being in the mood for very much of anything in particular, I did about half an hour of weights followed by half an hour on the running machine before buying a newspaper and sitting in Convent Road for a late breakfast.

In the afternoon, to escape the heat, I disappeared into the darkness of the The King & I in Sukhumvit Soi 12 for a two-hour Thai massage. I am no novice when it comes to firm massages but this session was way beyond anything I have ever experienced in its vigour. The masseuse, who could not have been taller than four feet, possessed the strongest hands that have ever been laid upon my person; when she turned her attention to my legs it was all I could do not to cry out for mercy. Despite being the one receiving the massage rather than giving it, I worked up an intense sweat and felt like I had run a half-marathon when the allotted time came to a close.

With no particular place to go until later in the evening, and feeling a little bruised, I remained at The King & I for another two hours: this time for a soothing, yet still firm, oil massage. Showering afterwards, I noticed myself in the mirror: it must have been a slightly distorted reflection, I thought, as I looked ridiculously thin. I towelled myself dry, dressed, went out to dinner and thought no more about it.

The next morning was a toss-up between staying in bed to watch a Star Wars DVD or getting up and going to yoga. Yoga won out and I made my way to Yoga Elements in Chit Lom for a 90-minute intermediate session. For a relatively serene form of exercise, I always find yoga incredibly tough; to me, stretching and balancing is much harder than running miles or lifting heavy objects. This session was no exception and again I found myself perspiring liberally.

Getting home after yoga, I showered and, merely out of habit, stepped onto the scales again. The number that was to greet me on the display would shake me to my very foundations: from 82 kilos only twenty-four hours earlier, I was now 78.

Four kilos in one day. Without making any effort to stop eating, eat less, or adjust my diet in any way.

So: if you feel you could do with a few less pounds, here’s my weekend weight loss programme. Day One: in the morning, a session of weights followed immediately by a run of at least half an hour. In the afternoon, a vigorous Thai massage, followed by a not-too-soft oil massage.

Day Two: ninety minutes of yoga.

If you’re very keen, repeat this two-day sequence a few times. (I have a feeling that you may be able to skip one of the massages when you repeat, depending on how you feel, but not both.) I’m going to stick to it for about a week; I want to see what I look like at 75 kilos.